The Anxious Heart and the Victory.

"Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting."

(Psalms 139:23-24, NIV)

I read this verses last night on my quiet time. Now, as I am currently in pseudo-melancholic-ish mood, I do reflect a lot on my grimy heart, which is unable to fulfill the Lord's will. The more I try to do it, the more I realized that I am not capable of it. Even though I have been saved, truth is, I am still another sinner among sinners. I am only a sinner who is lucky enough to have been able to know Him.

But I have to say it always came back to me: "Lord, I always commit sin in my life, there's no day that I passed without committing sin, be it intentionally or unintentionally. I have those sins that I have tendencies to fall to, and even though the frequency is lower, I still fall in the same hole at times of my weaknesses." Now, I don't blame the evil force for it, as no matter what it is, the one who committed them is still, me. I won't get anywhere if I blame (borrowing C.S. Lewis' words) "our father below". However, I still can't get it out of my minds that Our Father Above is sad when I fall over and over again.

I shouted and shouted: "Why have you chosen me?", "How can you still forgive me" and even at one time, "Will you even want to forgive me once again?" I drew anxious and fall into my knees.

It was not until the night that I found my peace. Those verses gave me peace, because He told me that He know who I am. He told me that he understand what is inside our heart. He is not just fighting this battle with us -- He fought this battle FOR us.

And He won.

So God, please see my heart again, show me the depths of my own heart, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Thank you, Lord.

Let there be light (once again).