Who am I?

I know I have posted two posts within 12 hours, but after I read through my linked blog I found an article by Vinoth on his blog. I haven't been able to read his blog since March, and I have a lot to catch up (I don't do this to all my linked blog, haha, I'm not that 'kepo'. But I do love Vinoth's writings). The post title is "Who am I?". The story is about his experience on the train, being asked about his race, and what revolves around it. He hesitates in telling the question giver, and he gave a reason for it which I found interesting.

Why did I hesitate to answer my traveling companion’s question? My ancestry on both sides is Tamil, but I grew up speaking English as my first language. While I read and understand Tamil very well, there is a huge gap between literary and spoken Tamil. So I speak Sinhalese better than I do Tamil. There are many anomalies like me around, here and abroad: people who live on boundaries, not being ‘at home’ in any one culture. Where do we fit into the ‘peoples-group’ classifications that some (usually American) missiologists are promoting? (One reason, among others, to be cautious about such methodologies).

We all have multiple, overlapping identities. Which we consider primary or basic depends on how we integrate the different stories that our ’selves’ indwell. My integrating centre is Christ, which makes my primary identity Christian. But since that term too is so misunderstood today, using it publicly conveys very little. So, who am I? I think I know, but cannot say it. Perhaps I can only show it.

I myself is living in the boundary. I'm a Chinese, but Javanese culture have been a large part of my life as well. I can't speak Chinese, but I do know Chinese culture a little bit. For moral values, mostly I take Javanese values, since they are to me, showing more courtesy, sincerity but at the same time strong and strict. By appearance.. well.. I look more Javanese they said. Haha. But there are parts of my life that I think pretty much show that I'm a Chinese as well. After all, I am one.

But the things that ponder my mind is not on the racial things. It's on the second paragraph, about Christian.

Christians today are not distinguishable. We have to admit it. Many people say that they are Christians, but they don't live like one. Integrity is not shown. Love is not spread. Faith is not exercised. Hopes are not put in the correct place. It's a sad truth, but it is true. How many people are able to accept Jesus' teaching, but turned down by the hypocrisy of Christians in their life? Surely, Mahatma Gandhi is not the only one. Saying "I'm a Christian" is not enough anymore. The tag "Christian" doesn't mean a thing to most people right now.

Whose fault is it? I don't know.

But I know that we must start moving forward, living an integrated life and show the world what "Christians" really is. Vinoth has been very spot on.

So, who am I? I think I know, but cannot say it. Perhaps I can only show it.

I (and I think all of you also) know that I'm far from God's standard; I have to apologize for it. But as I write this post, I want to lift my prayers, so that I can live my life with integrity.

Let there be light!



There was a time when I lost my desire to write and to share. There was a time when I didn't see the point of doing a blog to express my thought. I am who I am though, inconsistent as I am in doing this blog, but I do want to share and I do long to write. Today I'm giving it another go. Fingers crossed. But I still wish that "Let there be light" is the message that I convey.
  • January 1st 2012, Kristo